March 14, 2008

Dear Piper,

I'm a woman over 30 and have never 'gotten it good.' By 'gotten it good' I mean I've never climaxed in bed. It's starting to make me self conscious. However, in my own defense, they usually only last a few seconds. And after a few lame bangs, I usually start to hate things about the man. His smell. His undersized calf muscles. The incessant trails of text messages ending in this>:) I'm really tired of hearing things like: 'You haven't met the right one'...'You need to open up'...'You need to lead in bed'...'You need to know your body'...'You need to look in different places.' It's not that I'm frigid, I just haven't the time, nor vaginal space, for amateurs. Piper, am I a man hater? Or do I just need to find a real good bang? Thanks for your consideration.

--Where's My O?

Dear O,

Wow. I had to sit on your question for a few days before formulating the proper response. You don't mention whether you can climax out of bed, on your own, wherever that may be...in the bathtub, at the office, at a rodeo. If you can't, my advice is to visit a doctor and make sure what's happening (or not happening) isn't a physical issue. It may not be the guy's fault, or your fault, but it could be Mother Nature's fault and with a tweak in the right area you might just find yourself on the road to Orgasm Lane in no time.

However, if you can climax on your own and you're frustrated because you've never 'gotten it good,' meaning you've never climaxed in bed from a man's efforts, well, here we go. I'm gonna be honest. I've gotten it good. I've gotten it so-so. I've gotten it would have rather gone to the movies. I've gotten it thank you sir, may I have another? I've gotten it and passed out. I've gotten it ho-hum. I've gotten it holy shit. You never know from the beginning, especially with someone new, how it's gonna net out. So if you're going into a liaison with expectations of how to sum it up when it's all over, well, I think you're doing yourself, the fellow and sex in general a disservice. Sex is too mysterious and human beings are too complicated. Whether you're thinking, 'this better be good' or 'I'll probably not climax yet again,' you're setting yourself up for failure. Stop fixating on the finish line and enjoy the race. How? Take your focus off your body for a moment and see what's up with his. Tickle his yoo-hoo and see how he reacts. Lick his bo-jangles and note any changes in body temperature. Pinch a thing-a-ma-jig and see if he squirms. You might find that turning him on turns you on and you'll be that much closer to the Big O. If you get to the point where he might lose control, there are things you can do to curtail his climax. Google it. Askpiper.com isn't gonna get that specific. And when you turn the focus back on yourself, help the guy out if he's not doing exactly what you want. Show him, implicitly, what works for you. Or, do it yourself so he can see. Then do it yourself again, so he can see. And again. I think if you bring yourself to a climax in bed with a man you'll feel more comfortable about letting him do it the next time. Even if he's an 'amateur' he deserves a chance to learn and you deserve a chance to teach. And yes, this may take time. Part of 'getting it good' is 'giving it good.' Make the time. It's sex; it's worth it. And something tells me when you find the guy that gives you a 'real good bang' you're not going to care what he smells like or what size his calves are. The texting of emoticons, though, that'll make a girl lose her boner in a heartbeat.

--Piper