May 28, 2009

Piper, 

I'm 32 and have a girlfriend who is 2 years older than me. She is not as beautiful or as young as the girls I typically go after (or fantasize about) and after her persistence for the last year I have decided to remain loyal out of both love and perhaps fear of being alone. As long as I'm loving and present in her life she is happy, but I could easily cheat on her if another woman tempts my loins with available sex or affection (it's happened on two occasions). I don't actively pursue other women, but my mind/body still craves more experience before settling down completely. I assume the right thing to do is break up, but I might be totally in love with her and never recover from the loss, plus my family really likes her.  She's a cool girl so I'm just wondering if I'm being a dick or I'm just deluded. Another friend told me I might be loyal out of pity, which scares me.

--Randall

Dear Randall,

Ouch!

They made me take a diversity sensitivity training seminar at work and one thing I learned from it is it’s OK to say ‘ouch’ when something hurts you. Loyal out of pity? Ouch!

Now, you didn’t ask if you should break up or stay together, and I’m not in a position to advise either way given the amount of information you’ve provided. But you did ask if you’re being a dick or delusional. Here’s what I think; you’re neither. In fact, you’re a very self-aware guy. The problem is, you’ve been having your cake and eating it too and this new status of ‘loyal’ is a threat to that. The jig is up. Your sweet tooth has gotten the best of you and you don’t want to pass up dessert.

So what’s there to do for a guy in your position? Let’s lay some things out on the table here. First, you obviously have feelings for your girlfriend; you’ve introduced her to your family and you’re still together. Second, I’m sure you’re smart enough to know that your loins are going to be tested for many more years no matter what your relationship status. Given these facts, I’m intrigued by your intimating a possible fear of being alone. You’ve already taken advantage of two occasions to cheat, so I don’t think breaking up with your girlfriend means you’ll be sentenced to a life of solitude. In fact, I’m sure the opposite would pan out and you’d be hooking up as frequently as you wanted. So, when you say you might have a fear of being alone, I don’t think you mean alone as in lack of company, like you get from a one-night stand. No, I think you mean alone as in lack of companionship, like what you get from a girlfriend.

There’s something in you that wants to be in this relationship, and loyal in it for all the reasons couples are loyal. This will require some loin checking and working out your ‘experience’ fantasies with your girlfriend. There’s something in you that wants to be single. This will require a certain acceptance of a certain kind of loneliness. And there’s something in you that wants the best of both worlds. This will require a morality check and a good poker face for all the upcoming lies.

I’d advise you to understand the feelings you’re having right now are just feelings and not necessarily reasons to take action…yet. Some time spent thinking about what you want out of life, and a relationships, however, might be in order. And if you do decide to break up, don’t worry about your girl, she’s better off with the sting of a breakup than the malaise of your 50% effort. 

--Piper