May 26, 2009

Dear Piper,

How do I teach my cat to do headstands? I've tried tying a treat to his hind legs, and also once to his nether-tail, but so far this approach seems misguided.

--kitkat4life0092

Dear kitkat4life0092, 

Misguided indeed. Let me point out the obvious: 1-you are trying to train a cat, and 2-you are trying to train a male cat. 

I'd advise you to consider whether this endeavor is worth the effort. In the amount of time it's going to take to teach your cat to go upside down you could accomplish so many other things: sexual reassignment surgery, hitchhiking across the country, stem cell research. 

If, after careful consideration, you decide you really need to accomplish this feline feat, I think a trip the the hardware store is in order. Get yourself a hot glue gun, some plywood, duct tape, paint thinner and bubble wrap. Gather these tools together and show them to your cat. Then, ask him nicely to pretty please with sugar on top stand on his head. If he still refuses, it's tool time. Now, if the next steps don't seem obvious email me directly as I'm trying to avoid the ire of askpiper's animal lovers.

--Piper