October 4, 2004

Dear Piper,

i'm rather confused with that "dating business" here in nyc. what is it with this rather odd "dating etiquette" that american girls seem to stick to? do they read the wrong magazines, or are they as uptight as they behave? a third possibility would be- and this might be closer to the truth - they are all fembots. if that is the case, can you tell me where all the real, genuine girls are in this city?

--Desperately Seeking

Dear Desperately Seeking,

I was trying to keep my whereabouts a bit of a secret, but you've outed me. Yes, like you, I live in New York. And I have to say, DS, I feel your pain. Dating here can be like a roller coaster ride; one minute you're as high as the trees with the wind a-blowin' in your hair and the next you're making all kinds of empty promises while puking on some stranger sitting next to you. Alas, there is hope.

First of all, however, I need to correct a misconception you seem to have: New York girls are not American girls. Yes, New York is in America. But this isn't about geography. New York, and New Yorkers are an entity unto themselves. So, I can give you advice on dating American girls and it will work fine for you in, say, my hometown of Cincinnati, Ohio. But that advice won't do scrap for you in NY. Nuf' said?

Now, you want to know where all the real, genuine girls are in the city. OK, I'll tell you. They're walking their dogs at 7 am. They're in the laundry on the weekends. They're hanging out in the travel section at Barnes & Noble on a Friday night. They're two seats behind you on that flight back from Dallas. They're serving jury duty. They're hailing a cab on University back to Brooklyn. And how do you spot her? Her hair is messy. Her shoes cost less than $75. She's listening to her ipod. She's giving up her seat on the train for old people. Her nails aren't done. And, she's looking at you. Yes, she's looking at YOU. But you aren't paying attention, DS. Exquisite attention. So you miss it.

You see, we genuine girls check out you genuine boys, only we're subtle about it. It's a skill you males of the species haven't quite mastered just yet. Try looking for it the next time you're out. It looks kind of like this: a millisecond extension on a glance your way, a 13-degree angle swivel in your direction, the well-timed yet seamless deceleration in speed so as to miss the 'walk' sign on the street we're both about to cross. We do this because we desperately want you to say 'hi.' More important than your pick-up line at the bar, more impressive than your Don Juan stature at a house party, is your small talk in a random situation. Believe me, if you try to pick me up while I'm all sweaty and red-faced, coming from the gym I'm gonna give you more room to play than if you step to me at the club.

I challenge you, Desperately Seeking, to look at every errand as an opportunity to score. It's these normal situations where the somewhat normal girl you seek can be found.

--Piper