Feburary 1, 2008

Dear Piper,

My husband and I have a friend who is a single woman in her early 40's. About 4 years ago, she decided to have a baby with sperm donated from a sperm bank. We were very supportive and excited about the "new addition". Skip to 4 years later. The child is adorable most of the time but both she and her mother, our friend, insist that she be the center of attention at every single gathering. She even wants to bring her to our daughter's engagement party when we specifically, albeit delicately, told her that it's an adults-only event. She even asked if people would be "mad" if her daughter didn't come! Many of our friends and family members have expressed frustration and it's affecting our friendship. How do we fix this without hurting our friend's feelings?

--Cate

Dear Cate,

First, I would like to commend you on your grammar; many don't know the difference between affecting and effecting. Second, I love this question. It has all the juicy parts of life in it: sperm donation, single motherhood, an adorable child and adult-only events.

I have to say, more and more this is becoming a common topic among my circle of friends as more and more of them pro-create. And I will caveat my answer with the full-disclosure that I don't have a kid. However, I'm well aware there is a time and a place for everyone. For example, I wouldn't bring my father to a gyno appointment. I wouldn't bring bring my boyfriend (if I had one) to a bachelorette party (unless he offered to jump out of a cake or something.) And I wouldn't bring my boss to a job interview. It's about logic...and logic is something your friend seems to be lacking these days.

I get the distinct feeling your friend can't identify herself outside of motherhood. It seems she treats her daughter as her significant other, her +1, her partner in crime. A child is not a date, it's an accessory. (This may seem harsh, but let me finish). Let's say your friend were to wear a big red boa to the engagement party. Everyone would be oohing and ahhing over it, asking questions about it and wanting to touch it, maybe even try it on for themselves. Well, red boa=kid. The kid sucks up all the attention-attnetion that should be going to your daughter. It's her night.

I suggest you say something like this to your friend, and be firm: "Friend, we really hope to see you at the party. We're excited about celebrating our daughter's engagement and having everyone who loves her around. Let me be clear, though, this is for adults only. This means Kid can't come. She's just so cute she'd take the focus away from our daughter and the real reason everyone is there. Plus, wouldn't it be great for you to have a night off, you can come and let that inner-vixen out." Then you might make some babysitter suggestions, if you have any.

Now, a few things might happen. Your friend might not come to the party. This is her choice, do not let it make you feel guilty. Or, the day before the party she may call and say she can't find a sitter, then linger on the phone waiting for you to say it's OK to bring the kid. Do not give in; the firmer you are now the easier it will be in the future. Lastly, and hopefully, your friend will come alone and have a great time. Reinforce her adult side that night if you can, talk about adult things, ask her about herself, her job, her dating life, a book she's reading, who she might vote for...anything that gets her talking about herself more as a woman and less as a mom. She might just enjoy the break and have a fantastic time. Good luck.

--Piper