July 27, 2010
askpiper is versatile!
Get your own askpiper gear here.
July 22, 2010
askpiper is a knock out!
July 21, 2010
I'm trying to get more traffic. I hear that sex(y) sells.
July 18, 2010
Apparently I write like a real live published author. Now, if I could only get an agent. Click here to see who you write like.
--Piper
July 7, 2010
Dear Piper,
How do you know when to hold 'em? Know when to fold 'em? Know when to walk away, and know when to run?
--2010 Kenny Rogers
Dear Kenny Rogers,
I've employed visual aids to help answer your question:
--Piper
June 30, 2010
Dear Piper,
I recently received a long, emotional email from the Ex. He professed his love again and I did my usual: delete and ignore.
But it's killing me to stay quiet. I have the perfect response and I want the glory of shoving his cheap words back in his face. However, it's been about a month. Is that too late? Will I look like I've been obsessing over this? Will it give him more pain to hear my biting words or to not hear anything from me at all?
--Pain Maximizer
Dear Pain Maximizer,
You want to inflict the most pain on your Ex? Bang his best friend. Or his sister. Even better...bang his sister while his best friend watches. Then put it on youtube. Just wear your new askpiper shirt in one of the shots so I can get some free advertising!
--Piper
Dear Piper,
I am a size 5, and a little taller than 5-feet, lady. I am moving to Germany and have a few concerns. First: how the hell am I going to travel with three 70-pound suitcases that are the same height as me? Second: how the hell am I going to be able to convert my strict diet of street-meat and protein shakes, to a diet filled with sausage and creme? I am worried my little body is not going to be able to handle all this change. What is a midget to do?
--Germans
Dear Germans,
The second most useful place to have a lot of 1-dollar bills is the airport. Bat your eyes at every porter and skycap and start to grease their palms with your Benjamins.
And speaking of greasy hands, here's what to do with all that sausage. Go ahead and order it, all the sausage and creme a girl can handle. Then take out your protein power and dump it on top. Roll the sausages around in the powder; the powder will soak up the creme and make a really nasty paste. Scoop the paste away and eat your newly de-cremed sausages! Yum!
On a different note, I have some German jokes for you.
Q: How do you saw 'bra' in German? A: Stoppen from floppen.
Q: How do you say 'Vaseline' in German? A: Weiner-schleiden.
Q: How do you say 'virgin' in German? A: Gooden-titz.
Good luck over there! And congrats on winning t-shirt number 4!
--Piper
June 29, 2010 (via Facebook)
Dear Piper,
If I go to England for a month then diet and lose 10 pounds, is England 10 pounds heavier when I leave?
--Wrye
Dear Wrye,
Yes, and no. One British stone equals 14 US lbs. So, if you lose 10 lbs. over there, and you want to figure out how many stones that is, you multiply 100 x 10 then divide by 14 and you'll calculate that you've actually lost 71.42% of a stone. But you're not sure of your math, so you go to the local pub to figure it out again, with the help of a pint. Ten pints later you think your numbers are spot on but perhaps obsolete given the 10 pints. So you go to the loo and take a piss, which helps you lose .57 lbs. which is exciting until you try to figure that out in stones and you realize that, despite the Brits being snazzy dressers, the weather blows and you're sick of Indian food and so you come home perhaps 10 lbs. lighter but with the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Congrats on your shirt! Look for it in the mail.
--Piper
June 21, 2010
June 15, 2010
Dear Piper,
Lately I have found myself sitting on the same overly-soft couch for hours at a time, each day. I feel my ass slowly getting wider from my lack of exercise, but for some reason I cannot leave this uncomfortable beige couch. What should I do? Where did I go wrong in my life? Please help!!!
--Couch Potato M
Dear Couch Potato M,
Super ass-magnetizing beige couch or not, there's always something you can flex. For your situation, I recommend kegel exercises. I mean, if it works for Teri Hatcher, it'll work for you, too.
And congratulations on winning t-shirt number two.
--Piper
June 14, 2010
The first shirt goes to Megan! 100% cotton, because askpiper doesn't want you to chafe.
June 11, 2010
CONTEST!!! The next 5 questions to be featured on askpiper.com get a free askpiper t-shirt!
June 3, 2010
While I don't advocate smoking, I do advocate speaking your mind. You are my hero, Queen of e.vil.
May 27, 2010
Dear Piper,
I am a soldier on my second tour in Iraq. During my 2 week leave (when I went home), I found out my 15 year-old step-daughter has started smoking during my absence. Her mother knows about it, but didn't tell me (she knew I would be pissed - both of our fathers died from lung cancer). While my wife doesn't like it, she isn't doing anything about it, besides being "disappointed." My step daughter is a fantastic person, nice, talented, pretty and popular and I love her to death. I just don't understand this aspect of her.
I haven’t done or said much yet (I almost exclusively leave the discipline to my wife so I am not the wicked step-father). Should I learn to live with this, or go native on her (i.e. take away the cell phone, computer etc)?
I am also wondering if I am being hypocritical; while I didn’t smoke, I was pretty much the poster wild child.
I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my step-daughter, but I'm not sure I can tolerate this. In my mind, a line has been crossed.
--Anti-Marlboro Man
Dear Anti-Marlboro Man,
I can see and feel your pain, even through all the smoke. As the daughter of both a current smoker and an ex-smoker I can tell you this: it's virtually impossible to convince someone to quit who doesn't want to quit. It's an addiction and addictions die hard. Harder than Bruce Willis' next sequel.
Now, your step-daughter is 15. There's a good chance this is merely a new habit that hasn't been escalated to monkey-on-the-back-status yet. My gut tells me your step-daughter is trying to rebel a bit, trying to plant a stake into adulthood, trying to be cool. A wild child in the making, shall we say. And there's nothing wrong with her wanting to grow up, it's just that this isn't the best first step to take.
My advice is this: if she wants to dabble in adult games, you should respond in an adult manner. Don't scold. Don't ground her. Don't engage in any punishment that would also be appropriate for a nine year-old. Tell her you think she's a fantastic, nice, talented, pretty person. Tell her you love her to death. Tell her how your father's death affected you. Tell her you want her to be healthy and happy and a non-smoker. Don't delve into your past; this isn't a conversation about your life, it's about hers.
Then, if you don't have one already, get yourself a Twitter account and follow @kidrobot. They're donating 10-cents to anti-smoking charities for every person that follows them in May. Tell your stepdaughter you're following them in her honor. And tell her she can watch a Labbit meet its cancerous death tomorrow, for shits and giggles.
Going forward, I'd make this about her health. She wants to join a health club? Too bad, smoking and treadmills don't mix. She wants to go on a yoga retreat with her friends? Nope, namaste and nicotine don't play well together. She wants 20-bucks for a manicure? No way, they're yellow anyway. The more her 'punishment' for smoking aligns with actual repercussions of smoking, the more effective they'll be.
I hope this works. Otherwise, you're grandkids might end up like this little fellow:
--Piper
May 26, 2010
So much for getting back on the horse. Sometimes when you're down it pays to stay down. http://bit.ly/apCQ9G
May 11, 2010
If you can't think of anything nice to say, or projectile, don't say or projectile anything at all.
May 10, 2010
When life gives you lemons, make some kick ass lemonade.
May 9, 2010
We call the really hard decisions 'gut wrenching.' Turns out 95% of the serotonin in our bodies is made in our guts. Which explains why, when your stomach hurts, everything hurts!
April 12, 2010
Dear Piper,
What do I do for work?
--Tony
Dear Tony,
Since it seems you've mistaken askpiper for Miss Cleo, I'm going to rule out anything requiring deductive reasoning and clue cracking. I'm gonna guess you either work in advertising or importing/exporting.
--Piper
February 2, 2010
Dear Piper,
I have a bad case of TMS. Have you ever been afflicted with TMS? If so, how did you deal with it?
--Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I've definitely had TMI. Thus far, I've avoided TMJ. In the past TNT has kept me couch-ridden for hours on end, but that's because they have too many commercial breaks during their romantic comedy marathons. I'm a sucker for TLC. But TMS...I'm not sure I'm familiar with this affliction. However, I'm sure my go-to gurus will be able to help. They are skilled in dropping knowledge regarding all the mysterious things that ail us. You should check them out.
You should also probably increase your water intake. They say to drink 8 glasses a day. I cured my TMZ with just one glass, though, when I spilled it on my laptop. It's a cure I don't recommend.
--Piper
January 29, 2010
Dear Piper,
What if I want to go see "Tooth Fairy" with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson? Will I ever be respected again?
--Meg
Dear Meg,
Can you rebound on the respect meter from this film? Yes. Will it be easy? Relatively so, if you employ the concept of contrition often used by the Catholic Church: for every sin, a confession and then an act of penance. Voilá, religious forgiveness!
In your case, I think you should try to catch a matinee of “Tooth Fairy.” An earlier viewing feels like less of an affront to the art of cinema. Afterwards, go to a coffee shop near a university and find a surly culture-snob lurking in the corner. He or she will be the one with dirty fingernails working feverishly on a dissertation. Confess your viewing to them and then walk away immediately. Follow that up with a visit to your Netflix queue. Put Kieslowski’s “Dekalog” at the top. Voilá, celluloid forgiveness!
--Piper
January 19, 2010
Dear Piper,
Is it wrong that I pretended to play a game on my iPhone so I could read what this woman was writing in her journal on the subway?
--Peeping Tom
Dear Peeping Tom,
I asked a couple of experts. Steve Jobs said 'no.' Bill Gates said, 'yes.'
--Piper